My name is Dan. I am new to the Bow Valley area, having moved here in July 2021 from Winnipeg, Manitoba, although I lived here briefly last year as well. I reside in Banff, Alberta. I am a cisgender male who identifies as Queer.
I was born in Steinbach, Manitoba and was adopted at six weeks old when Winnipeg became my home. While I grew up in a relatively positive environment, my upbringing lacked any true representation of others like me existing openly. I know that they certainly existed, yet I cannot think of a possible moment where that was ever introduced to me as a child, which certainly would have aided to lay a foundation of support for the healthy possibilities of who I could become. I was surrounded by societal norms and familial structures that set a precedent that taught me who I could be, and it was everything I was not. I was taught of the stereotypical boxes that represented masculinity and femininity; where I was meant to reside and the path I was not allowed to travel upon. I was enrolled into contact sports, soccer, and karate when I would have rather spent my time being creative, expressive, and free from the constraints of masculinity I was taught I had to be.
The first time I recall being confronted with possibilities of life outside the default that was normalized was when I moved to a new school after my parents separated at age 8 and had peers make fun of me for my tendency to spend time with female students and enjoy stereotypically feminine activities such as singing and dancing. The word thrown around was Gay, though I am unsure if anybody truly could comprehend what they were expressing at that age and were instead regurgitating what they were learning back at home about people like me. As I grew older and entered junior high at 12 years old and high school at 14, there was a transition from jokes to very serious accusations. My peers were questioning my sexuality constantly due to the way I acted and used these confrontations to harm me for any part of me that seemed at odds with their collective. Bullies taunted me, strangers yelled slurs at me from cars, recess supervisors told me I should only be playing with boys and acting like boys and I was simply confused on why I could not simply be as I was without any questions or difficult treatment. My soul was already being barricaded deep within the toxic rules that dictated what was considered normal and I quickly learned that normal I was not.
It was not until I was teenage aged that I started to see different types of people represented in the media. The first examples would be characters such as Marco Del Rossi from Degrassi: The Next Generation and Cara Cunningham of Leave Britney Alone fame. The age of social media rising meant that I would continue to find more representations of those in society who did not fit into the norm I was at first presented and I would also find different communities of people in secret crevices of the Internet. I was being presented the beginnings of a more connected world, but the constants interwoven through all these spaces was that I still existed in a world that told me it was not safe for me to be free yet.
While all this was happening, my father happened to be going through his own journey of self- discovery just as I was constantly being harassed to go through mine. His was private and his own story to tell, but my curiosity to understand him was very prevalent and mirrored the demands that society had placed on me to figure myself out even if I was never fully conscious
of it to begin with. Just like how the people around me were speculating about my life, I began to speculate about the elder who raised me, confused over who they truly were. I was learning subconsciously through this studying that this life of authenticity was one that I needed to hide. My peers represented homophobia and discrimination and my father represented shame and that left me in the middle, unable to ever admit to myself the parts of me that were being buried deep where not even I could see them. The cycle of generational queer trauma manifested around me, and I was victim to its imprisonment. I went to church and prayed it away. I turned to alcohol, drugs, and self-harm to numb the voices desperately reaching out for light.
I buried myself. Until I freed myself.
I came out at 19 years old. I was having a conversation with a friend which turned to me having a realization of not wanting to waste my life and hide like so many others and in that moment, it was as though I had broken down a huge wall where all I had was truth at my disposal and I suddenly had no problem exclaiming it. While those around me were telling me adamantly over the past 10 years that I was Gay, it truly was only in that moment of coming out where I was conscious of these feelings fully and I was finally able to break down all that forbid me from going to that place of freedom. At that time, I came out as Bisexual. Later on, my understanding of labels was not so simple, and I came out as Pansexual. Now, I simply identify as Queer. I have now let go of the need to please those who do not respect my right to exist as I am, and it is only important that I understand and love myself. I am forever grateful to the lovely support I have in my present life, from my beautiful friends to my amazing mom. My father has also evolved on his own journey and married his husband in 2019 when I was 23 years old, and it was such a beautiful, full-circle moment for us both.
Coming out and sharing yourself is such a long process and one that is forever changing. Layers are shedding everyday and new ways of understanding ourselves are always coming to surface. We are all continuously evolving and coming out repeatedly; both to ourselves and our peers and to the many communities we will continue to introduce ourselves to. It is quite a taxing labour to constantly show up and present ourselves truthfully and it is an act of courage that one must be prepared to powered through in strength. It is worth understanding that where it is scary, it makes up for in liberation from the safer yet deadly path we could alternatively take.
Although I have found liberation within my identity, I still have trouble connecting to community. My journey within queer relationships has been a complicated odyssey as I unfortunately have been present within many harmful connections that have contributed to lasting trauma. I am still trying to let go and long to find my place in the community positively and I truly do believe that it will happen at the correct time, and I am remaining open to receiving the light I am imagining. That is what all this is: defiance. Defiance to the life paved for me and the determination for finding more in spaces that seem to offer none. It is the same type of determination that leads one to leave all the support and protection they have ever known to venture out and find themselves suddenly in the Bow Valley, hoping that their sparkle will attract all the love and light they deserve.
Queerness is deconstructing the parts of us that do not fit into the mold that society has built for us to squeeze into. It is a continuous journey of searching within to unearth discoveries seemingly forbidden with tools we were never given and letting those treasures shine in hopes for us to be recognized as the beings we were always destined to be. I can only hope that our collective light can continue to inspire and open doors to those who need to see their inner selves reflected vibrantly in the world and that our inner and outer love can be celebrated forever.
Submitted by Dan Roberts, 25 Banff, Alberta
